


Love, Your Favorite Toerag

by midnightelite



Series: Sun and Moon [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24620572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightelite/pseuds/midnightelite
Summary: When Lily finds herself in a family emergency, she finds solace in James Potter.Warning: Mention of parental death, cancer, anxiety/depression
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Series: Sun and Moon [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780114
Comments: 32
Kudos: 63





	1. Dear Toerag

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld/gifts).



> We dedicate this to V because you're amazing and we both love you loads!
> 
> Thank you to our amazing beta!! Infiniteinmyownlittleworld on AO3 and Tumblr and HedwigandHarry on FFN.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

Lily looked up from _Pride and Prejudice_ towards the window, and a wide smile stretched across her face. Ora! She couldn’t help but welcome the airy feeling in her chest from spotting the owl that has become increasingly familiar as of late. Lily scratched Ora’s chin as she dug around in her drawer for the treats she kept specifically for her friends’ owls. 

“Good girl,” Lily cooed, unravelling the letter that had been rolled up and tied to Ora’s leg. Her heart pounded in her chest at the greeting. _Lils._ Lily sat at her desk to read the rest, getting parchment and a pen ready so she could write him back straight away. She didn’t want Ora stuck here too long. Or at least that was what she told herself. It definitely wasn’t because she missed talking to James. Not at all. 

_Dear Lils,_

_How did everything go at your mum’s appointment? I hope everything is getting better! Here, things are about as crazy as you’d expect. Remus just headed back home, and Sirius is being moody. He’s being even more dramatic than normal if you could believe it. I walked in on him earlier laying across the couch with his hand lying on his face. When he noticed me he just started saying, “This melancholy that has consumed me is bringing me closer and closer to my bitter demise.” I wish I could say that’s the most dramatic thing he’s said today._

_Mum is letting him go on like that! She keeps babying him. When I tell her he’s acting like a young regency heroine, she yells at me!!!! How am I being insensitive? He’s the one waxing poetic on how he’s going to die any minute. I swear she’s lost her mind, Lils. Maybe you could come visit soon? I have faith with you being here, our united front may kick him back into a more manageable amount of melodramatic despair?_

_Anyways I’ve rambled on probably enough. Please let me know how your mum’s appointment went!! And also, how are you holding up amongst all the craziness?_

_Miss you loads,_

_Your Favorite Toerag_

Next to this he doodled an image of what must’ve been Sirius draped across the sofa, his hand on his forehead. It made her laugh, which she supposed was the point. 

James was always able to make her laugh. That past year, they’d slowly become really good friends. It started with them bonding over taking care of Remus after the full moon, but it quickly morphed into something much bigger. James was the one to suggest walks around the grounds on Fridays. Now, Fridays were her favorite day of the week, far surpassing any Saturday she’d ever had. 

Sometimes, they would speak of nothing consequential. Just cloud gazing and games of truth or dare. Other times, they would discuss the world, and the war brewing around them. They would talk about their place in everything that was happening around them, their fears, their dreams. James wanted to play Quidditch professionally but had sworn to put that dream aside in order to fight for justice. Only when Voldemort was vanquished would he ever return to that dream. 

One night, far past dusk, she remembered the world being so silent and peaceful. Lying in the grass next to James, staring at the stars the world felt almost perfect. With James right there beside her with his lopsided grin and the stars twinkling above them, the thought of curfew passed by like a leaf in the wind. So lost in the moment where only she and James Potter existed, she’d confessed her plans for the future. Or lack thereof, she should say. How could she make plans for a future she didn’t see herself surviving to be in? Lily was a muggleborn. She would be the first to be targeted in the fight, and likely, the first to go. Everyone told her what a great potioneer she would be, so that was her go-to answer to “what do you want to do when you graduate?” but she had no real drive for the profession. It was easier than explaining that she just wanted to be alive.

As a child, she imagined herself becoming a mum, someday. She wanted to become just like _her_ mum. So warm and welcoming. The human embodiment of home. Now, those feelings quickly turned cold. The reminder of her mum’s appointment made her stomach drop. She didn’t want to worry him, though. She kept that in mind while she wrote her reply. 

_Dear Toerag,_

_I don’t know if I’d go as far to say favorite…but definitely my toerag._

_Can you ask Sirius to write my next essay? He has a way with words, if nothing else. Would have definitely spiced up my last History of Magic Essay._

_Look, James, I want to say I agree with you, but melancholy is the only appropriate reaction to Remus’s departure. Honestly, I’m a little surprised you aren’t more sympathetic. Or perhaps you are and maybe that’s why you’re owling me? I know I make your days so much better._ (Here Lily drew a little smiley face). 

_But really, I miss you too._

_Petunia’s been unbearable. She moved out last summer, but she still comes to dinner almost every night and drags Vermin along with her. Anytime he’s around, I’m not_ _allowed _ _to talk about school or magic or my friends or anything and it’s...it’s infuriating and it’s stifling, and I have half a mind to give him a tail and a snout and call it a day. A visit would be lovely. I might never leave._

_Respond with the next time I can visit, and I will be right there. We can take turns making fun of Sirius again. That was fun. Maybe we can have another picnic in your mum’s garden like over Easter hols? We could just sit in silence together, I don’t care. I miss you. I miss laughing til my sides are sore._

_Anyways, tell Mia I send my love, and I just finished The Tales of Beedle the Bard. I’ve enclosed a small letter for her. It is of the utmost importance you deliver it for me._

_Lots of Love,_

_Lily_

_Okay, James. Breathe. She called you her toerag, but she probably didn’t mean anything by it. We cannot get our hopes up again._ His thoughts were flying by so quickly that he couldn’t begin to grasp one to try and make sense of it. _Taking a quick look at the letter she sent his mum would be a fine distraction, right? What could it really hurt?_ He thought _, It’s probably got nothing to do with me_ . _Unless it's about how she feels about me. Well she probably wouldn’t talk to my mum about me._ Skimming it would be safe, he decided. It wasn’t like she didn’t know he could read it by sending it through with his letter. _Of course_ , she likely trusted him to deliver it without reading it….but she’d never specified…

Between his curiosity building with every second and the dire panic within his mind, the temptation was too much to bear. He tore open the letter.

  
_Dear Mia,_

_James better have given you this letter. I just wanted to say that my main thought while reading these tales was how terrified I would have been as a kid. Imagine me, a muggle born who knows nothing about magic, listening to a story about the warlock whose heart is hairy. The magic bit is what I’d be used to in fairytales, but why was his heart hairy? Yes, I get the heart only became shriveled and gross because it wasn’t inside a human for so long, but that’s a terrifying image! The only thing I want inside a crystal casket is Snow White when she's being saved from the curse with true love’s kiss. Do you know about Snow White? If not, we should watch the movie one day!_

_The stories were all interesting, but I have one more question. Why include a story about avoiding death in a children’s book? You would think you want to prepare them for death in case anything happens to any of their loved ones. Plus it’s a bit perverted how two of the brothers met their end…..I mean killing oneself and being murdered…. Seems like a bit much for a fairytale. Though maybe I’m one to talk. The original Cinderella ended with the step-sisters cutting off their toes. I preferred sticking with the lighter versions Mum showed us on the telly._

_I hope you are enjoying Pride and Prejudice! I hope to see you soon so we can have a proper discussion! In the meantime, I’ll be rereading Pride and Prejudice for the 50th time waiting for my Mr. Darcy._

_Lots of Love,_

_Lily_

A weight settled on James' chest as he finished reading the letter to his mum. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. He took a deep breath trying to dispel the emotions swirling in his head that he wasn’t quite sure how to parse out. Maybe she really did just want to be friends; although that thought hurt, he’d rather be her friend than lose her. He would take anything Lily was willing to give him. As that thought began to settle down in his head, a new one took its place. There was only one person he could trust to give him trustworthy advice on this.

“Mum!” He yelled as he flung open his bedroom door. “Lily wrote you a letter!” 

He settled back at his desk, holding up the letter for his mum so when she entered she could grab it. Below it was James’s letter. He blinked, sitting up a little straighter. Lily had never answered his original question. What had happened with her mum? Why hadn’t Lily answered him? Merlin, he hoped she was okay. He hoped they both were. 

“Coming, coming…” Euphemia appeared in James’ doorway, leaning against the old dark wood framing. “James dear, please calm down. Your mind is practically screaming. I heard you all the way in my room! Inside thoughts, okay?” 

James’s hands found their way into his hair, elbows resting on his thighs. Now was not the time for his mother’s antics. Why hadn’t Lily answered him about her mum? 

“What did I tell you about listening in on my thoughts, Mum?” He asked, his tone dripping with exasperation. This was getting old. “It’s intrusive! Most people don’t have to deal with a legilimens as a parent, and though you are supportive, I would like to freak out internally without your commentary.” He had yet to move his head from his hands. 

“ _Darling,_ you _know_ I can't see anything you don’t let me. You're practically crying out for my help, and I am glad to _bestow my wisdom upon you_. Lily is as in love with you as you are with her. And if she didn’t answer you about her mum, why don’t you just ask her again?” James didn’t think it was as easy as his mum made it seem. 

What if the reason she hadn’t responded was because things had taken a turn for the worse? He couldn’t think like that though, and he certainly did not want his mother to hear that thought, so he buried the thought deep within himself where no one could find it. 

“Mum,” James whined. “How can you be so sure Lily actually likes me? And will she not be offended if I keep asking? She ignored it for a reason, right?” A reason he was almost afraid to find out.

Euphemia glanced up from reading Lily’s letter. She hadn’t been listening entirely, but James’s expectant stare brought her back to the present. “Of course she likes you. In this letter, she even says she’s waiting for her Mr. Darcy. That’s you, silly boy.” His jaw dropped. 

James could not believe his mum in that moment. She was probably reading too much into something that was a passing remark. Besides, Lily had not shown any interest beyond becoming friends. James was not going to be the first to push that envelope. Her friendship meant too much to endanger it like that. 

“Lily is awaiting both our responses, so I’m going to get started on that, but I’ll be in my library if you need me.” She placed a hand on James’ shoulder, kissing the top of his head, willing to spare her dramatics for a moment of sincerity. “Talk to her. Only she has the right answers to the questions you’re asking.” Euphemia straightened up, a cheeky grin all too similar to her son’s gracing her features as she swept from the room. 

She was right. If he wanted any type of answer, he had to write Lily back. He didn’t want to pry into stuff she wasn’t ready to talk about, but he couldn’t properly support her if he didn’t know what was going on. Plus, knowing Lily she probably wasn’t talking to anyone about what was happening with her mum. He wants to be there for her, for one of his best friends. With that thought in the forefront of his mind, he started to compose a response. 

_Dear Lily,_

_I’m sorry about Petunia. I was hoping you’d get a bit of a break with her being moved out, though from your stories, I’m not surprised she is still visiting almost everyday. How is it fair that you need to hide half of who you are around your family? Sorry if it’s not my place to say it, but your family should be your safe space. It's not fair the whale gets to take that away from you. Sending lots of supportive energy your way._ (A drawing of a whale with a mustache was next to this part. James added a little speech bubble with drills written over and over again inside.)

_Please don’t mention the garden to me. I am so sick of the garden. Mum has me working in it night and day. There is no break, Evans. If I step foot in another garden within the next 20 years, it will be way too soon. As for when you can visit, are you free any time next week? The lads are planning on coming over on Thursday, but you know you're always invited too! If you’re busy, any other day is fine. You may get me out of weeding or de-gnoming the garden again._

_Also don’t worry your precious letter to my mum was delivered. I swear you’re trying to steal her from me. What’s worse is I think it’s working! I am her only child! I should be the favorite! Instead she keeps talking about you or defending Sirius! Bottom line, this is unfair. I forbid you from becoming Mum’s favorite._

_Lastly, I noticed you didn't answer my question last letter. How’s you mum doing? You know if you need to talk I’m always here._

_Your friend,_

_James_ ****

She stilled as she got to the last line. How was her mum doing? How could she answer that? Of course he noticed, too. James Potter always noticed. For the first time in her life, she wished he hadn’t. For the first time since her mum returned that afternoon with the news it had become terminal, she allowed herself to feel, to ache, to _break_.

Lily brought her knees to her chest, throwing James’s letter at her headboard as the sobs wracked her body. How was it fair that James got to complain about his mother making him do chores while Lily had to tell her mother not to do any? What would she do when her mother passed? Not if, anymore. It was when. Her stomach churned at the thought, and Lily glanced back at her desk to see her untouched dinner laying there cold. It wasn’t fair of her, she thought, to be jealous of James. It wasn’t as if he or Mia had done anything to harm her mother. They hadn’t given her cancer. No, the upset stemmed from the wish that she could partake in something as simple as avoiding chores. She craved how _normal_ their spat seemed. 

That brought her to another train of thought. Mia. Mrs. Potter had been nothing if not kind to her. Sometimes, dare she say it, she thought of her as a second mother. And how dare she? How dare Lily look at Euphemia Potter as if she were her mother when Marie Evans still lived and breathed. What did she think she was doing, hiring the next replacement? Guilt bubbled up within her as she glanced towards James’s letter. Would her mother be upset with her? No, Lily figured. The realization that she could just get up and speak with her mother hit her like a ton of bricks. Why was she acting as if she were already gone? Lily’s mother was still alive and just one bedroom over. She was still with her for the time being. The doctors had said it was possible to give her more time, with treatment. 

Wiping her cheeks of any stray tears, she tilted her head back as if to prevent any new ones from falling. 

“Stop _crying_ , Lily,” she pleaded with herself. “If you don’t answer then he’s going to know something’s up.” Taking a shuddering breath, Lily set herself to write back to James before he worried. As she wrote, she had to take several breaks to try to contain the sobs ripping from somewhere deep within her aching chest. Heartbreak, she realized. That’s where it was coming from. The all-consuming emotion would eat her alive if she didn’t do _something_ . James’s letter was just as good as anything, she supposed. If only she could stop _crying_.

_Dear James_

_Oh_ _, I am_ _so _ _glad you delivered my letter to your Mum. How can I ever repay you? I’m sure you know, as her favorite, I like to keep her updated on my happenings._

_I can’t believe how well you captured his essence. We should frame this. I think it would go perfect in the Gryffindor common room. Could you imagine his rage at his portrait being shown to all of us freaks? I think maybe the vein in his forehead might finally pop._

_As for the garden, you better take good care of it! That is one of prettiest places I have ever been, and you are not going to ruin that for me, James. Also, Thursday works perfectly for me. I can’t wait to see you and the boys. I miss all of you._

~~_Mum’s not doing well at all. We don’t know what’s going to happen, how much longer she has left. The treatment isn’t working and I can’t lose her. What do I do if she_ ~~

_With what’s going on with Mum, her doctor said that there hasn’t been any improvement with the chemotherapy, so that doesn’t look good. He has one more treatment in mind. It apparently has shown favorable odds. He wants to start her on this route, but it’s still in the early age of testing. So, we are trying to decide if we want to enroll her in that program. Basically, it could be better over here._

 _You’re right. Family_ _should _ _be your safe space, and especially now, he shouldn’t be injecting himself into it. I’ll see you Thursday, James. Tell Sirius he has to stay alive till at least then, or I’ll guilt him in the underworld._

_Lots of Love,_

_your_ _pal,_

_Lily_

James read through her letter three times. The first time through, he noticed the smudges. He was hoping they were not from tears. He couldn’t even think if they were. His heart clenched at the thought of Lily sitting there, crying whilst writing to him. The second time through, he couldn’t help but stare at the whole paragraph she’d crossed out. It had to do with her mum, he was sure. The third time, he was trying to imagine her voice saying the words he was reading, but he couldn’t. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t imagine Lily, his emotionally fired Lily, speaking about her mother’s illness in such a detached, _clinical_ way. He had to go see her. Something was wrong. He wouldn’t be able to rest if he didn’t help her. Lily was not okay, and she needed him. Without another thought, he apparated. 

Okay, maybe he should have thought this through a little more.

Lily lay in her bed with puffy red eyes. She kept picking up _Pride and Prejudice_ in an attempt to drown out her feelings but found herself staring blankly at the pages before her instead. The ache in her chest had subsided. In its place, a hollow feeling, an emptiness unlike anything she’d ever felt. She was tired, too, but sleep would not come for her no matter how hard she tried. 

If only she could lose herself back in the world of her favorite story. Her bookmark sat in between the pages of her favorite part. Elizabeth was just realizing how much Mr. Darcy did to get her sister back home, to save her family from ridicule. Lily thought, perhaps listlessly, that she too would fall for a man who would save her family from this heartache. It was an impossible task, of course. No one would be able to cure her mother. The doctors had even said all her treatments now would be to prolong her life but not to save it. 

She thought she heard the crack of apparation, but it felt as though it was through a fog. Truthfully, Lily was starting to think she was losing her mind to grief. 

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

Now that was definitely real, but she just assumed it was Ora returning with James’s response. _That was fast_ , she thought. Lily closed her book to open the window without sparing a glance through it. As she sat at her desk, she looked up only to meet a human face. Lily toppled backwards, yelping at the intruder before realizing who he was. What was James doing at her window? _She was on the second story._ In her panic, she must’ve startled him for his footing looked unsteady.

“James….why are you on the roof?”

“What, you don’t usually receive guests at your window?”

“Considering it’s on the second floor, I can’t say I do.” Lily glanced over her shoulder. “And keep your voice down. I don’t want them to hear you. Dad’ll throw a fit.” 

“I don’t want to get the princess in trouble.” Lily rolled her eyes at the word princess, but James was tone-deaf, apparently. He attempted a bow, and that was when he started slipping. James just barely caught himself on her window pane. Lily yelped, scrambling to grab onto his arm to keep him from falling. 

“Damn it, James, can’t you use the front door like a normal person?” His hand was slipping from her grasp, and Lily didn’t know what to do about it.

“Aren’t the princes usually supposed to save the princesses?” He winked as if he wasn’t about to fall off the roof and onto the grass below. 

“You’re not my prince, James,” Lily hissed, trying to ignore the butterflies in her stomach on top of the hammering in her chest. He was slipping and fast. If he fell, he could break a bone or something. 

“Rip my heart out, why don’t ya, Evans? Merlin, ever hear of letting someone down easy?” The smirk playing along his face told her he didn’t miss the irony in those words. 

Lily opened her mouth to respond, when the knock on her door made her jump, losing her grip on James. Shit. He was falling.. A million thoughts ran through her mind, but all she could focus on was the one telling her to _save him._

In a split moment of clarity, Lily managed to wave her wand and slow his fall right before he landed on the hard ground. Her whole body shaking with fear, she leaned down the window. “James? Are you okay? James?” When he didn’t answer right away, Lily went into a full-on panic, pushing past her father to scramble down the stairs, burst out the front door, and kneel beside James where he lay on the grass. “James?” she croaked, hands shaking as she took hold of his hands. 

It took her a moment to realize he wasn’t answering because he was laughing to himself. Still, when green met hazel, he put on the most reassuring expression and nodded. “Brilliant Evans. You’re brilliant. That was amazing!” He sat up, squeezing her hands tightly. “Thank you.” James smiled up at her gratefully, but his expression slipped when he saw hers crumble. “Shit, Evans, are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

Lily gripped the front of his shirt, as if he would disappear if she dared to let go. “You could have gotten hurt! You are so stupid, why would you do that?” She didn’t care that her yelling was waking up the whole neighborhood? Thomas ran outside, deciding to intervene as opposed to watching from the window. 

“Lily…” But Lily ignored her father. He didn’t get it! He didn’t understand that Lily had lost everyone. She’d lost Petunia to magic. She’d lost Severus to hatred. She was losing her mother. She couldn’t bear to lose James too. 

“You could have died! You could have killed yourself, you arrogant, self-centered, inattentive toerag! And you’re laughing about it! What about this do you think is funny? Hmm? Is it me, crying over your hurt body? Is it me, calling Mia to tell her that her son died because of sheer recklessness? Tell me? What’s _so funny_ about this?” 

“Lily, I didn’t mean i-”

“Didn’t mean it? Mean what? To scare me half to death?” Lily pulled him up off the ground, needing an excuse to do anything but fixate on what losing Potter would actually mean. He was her best friend. They told each other everything. Whenever she needed someone, he was there. Whether she was just lonely, or needed a laugh, or needed a shoulder to cry on, James was always there. And the thought of losing him, losing this-whatever it was-it broke her. “I can’t lose anyone else I-” Lily sucked in a sharp breath, keenly aware of her father’s hawk-like gaze as she met James’s eyes. They both knew how she was going to finish that sentence, but she couldn’t think of that right now. She couldn’t _think_ , not with James right there in front of her, staring back at her in the moonlight. His lips were parted, and he looked breathless, just as lost in the moment as she felt. His piercing gaze passed through her, seeing through her hurtful words and finding the pain they were masking underneath. He understood her like no one else. 

Lily hadn’t even noticed the tears dripping down her cheeks until James made a move to wipe them away. “Oh, Lils, it’s ok-”

“I already lost one best friend.” At this, James pulled her in for a fierce hug, his hand cradling the back of her head. “I’m not going to lose another, is that clear?” Lily’s voice was muffled into James’s chest, but she knew he heard her. 

“Crystal. I’m here. I’m staying right here.”

“You better be.” She spared a glance up at him. He had this look in his eye, that one she could never fully decipher. Lily had seen it before but never like this, never so similar the gleam she was sure shone in her eyes. But that would mean a lot of things she wasn’t quite ready to unpack, so instead of lingering on it, Lily buried her face into his neck. 

“Trust me, Lils, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be right here.” James squeezed her a bit closer. After a moment of consideration, he began to lean down to place a kiss at the crown of her head, when he heard a voice clear to his right. Lily jumped away from him, while James reluctantly let his hands drop to his sides. 

Thomas tilted his head towards the door. “Well, I’m not going to make you go back home after a fall like that, but perhaps you’d be more comfortable in your own room and some pajamas?” Lily couldn’t help but snort. Subtle, Dad. 

“Thank you so much, sir.” Lily always found it kind of funny how formal James acted around her father. To her, he was just Dad. 

James followed Thomas inside, holding himself up straighter. He shot a glance around at Lily, offering her a tight smile. Was he _nervous?_ Thomas led James up the stairs towards Petunia’s old room. Lily followed suit, deciding maybe she should get inside. 

Her mother rubbed her eyes, standing in the doorway of the master bedroom to see what was going on. Lily ran up to hug her. She looked so frail and confused. 

“Mummy, you need to go back to bed. You need to rest-” 

“Lily, I’m fine,” she whispered, smoothing her daughter’s hair back. “What’s going on? Is James okay?” Lily looked over her shoulder to see her father handing James a towel and some pajamas for the night. 

“I don’t really know,” Lily lied. “He just showed up at my window.” She knew exactly why James was there. He was worried about her. Judging by her mother’s face, she wasn’t about to fall for it. Before Lily could say anything, Marie kissed her daughter’s temple. 

“I love you. Please get some sleep tonight?” Blue eyes met green, both searching for something in the other. Lily merely nodded, unable to speak. How much longer would her mother be around to subtly encourage her to chase after James? How long until those blue eyes shut forever? How would Lily go on without her? She didn’t think she’d be able to. 

She couldn't think like that. Lily forced her mind back to the present and realized her mum already headed back into the room. In an attempt to keep the tears clouding her vision from falling, Lily turned and retreated back into her bedroom. 

Bitter tears slipped down her cheeks, much like Lily sunk to the floor with her back against her door. How was she to sleep learning what she had today? The world felt cold, dark, empty. 

_Doctor Carter knocked on the door, entering after a moment of silence. She carried a folder clutched in her hands so tight her knuckles were white. Lily knew in that moment that the news wouldn’t be good._

Lily gasped, pulling her knees up to her chest as the memory replayed for the millionth time in her head. She wished she could stop it. She wished the nightmare would end, but Lily knew it wouldn’t. The nightmare was real. It was her life, and there was no escaping this. She couldn’t wake up. 

_The doctor looked between Marie and Thomas, tears in her eyes as she handed over the folder. Lily wanted to knock the folder out of their hands. If they didn’t know, it wasn’t real, right? This couldn’t be real!_

The memories were swallowing her whole. Lily dragged herself up off the ground, digging through her dresser with quivering hands. It took all her focus to change into her yellow pajamas and the moment she finished her task, the living nightmare returned.

_Lily felt a pain weighted on her chest; it was unbearable with the grief. She hadn’t even lost her mum yet, and it was already all consuming. Her head sunk down into her hands, unable to look at the doctor as she relayed the worst possible news._

She had to try to sleep. Her mum had told her to sleep, and Lily was not in a position to ignore her mother’s wishes right now. Snuggled up in her bed safe and warm, having sobbed most of the day, she should have drifted off the moment her head hit the pillow. Perhaps that was wishful thinking, for Lily stared at the ceiling, waiting. 

How much longer until she fell asleep? How much longer seemed to be the question of the day. 

_“You have reached stage four Marie. I'm sorry. We have this treatment we can try, but really, all we will be doing now is buying you time.”_

_“How much time will I have left without treatment?” The room went still._

_“About twelve months.”_

No! Lily couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t bear this ache in her heart that kept surging through her veins. Without thinking, she stumbled towards her bedroom door, yanking it open. Her breaths were heavy and uneven as she grappled blindly for the walls to lead her to the room James was in. Despite the state she was in, she knew she had to move as quietly as possible.

Lily went to rip open James' door but found enough sense to stop herself. She opened the door just a crack. 

“James? Are you awake?” She watched a lump that must have been James move around until the familiar crop of hair became visible. 

“Lily, are you okay?” He grasped around the side table until his hand enclosed around his glasses, and he slid them up his nose.

“I don’t know,” Lily croaked, her throat dry from everything. She tried and failed to hold back a sob. James jumped out of bed and pulled her into a hug with one arm, quietly closing the door behind with the other. As a new round of sobs wracked her body, James fully enveloped her in his arms, holding her tight to his chest. He let her cry and rubbed soothing patterns on her back until the sobs turned to whimpers. She sounded so small, so broken. He couldn’t think of a time he had ever seen her like this. James pulled away, brushing her hair from her face, before leading Lily towards the bed. He laid down and held the covers up for her to join him. She did, without so much as a moment’s hesitation.

James wrapped his arms around Lily’s shoulders, cradling her close to his chest. She nestled her head into the crook of his neck and threw an arm over his side, threading her leg between his. Once they were settled, James continued drawing mindless patterns on her back. Breathing in, she was greeted with a fragrance that was wholly James. It was familiar, and calming. It reminded her of home, and she couldn’t help the small pool of warmth that spread through her chest. 

“Do you want to talk about it, Lils?” he whispered. Lily couldn’t find her words for a few moments, instead tracing patterns into his shirt. 

“I don’t know.” 

“That’s okay. I’m always here if you decide you’d like to.” James found his hands combing through her hair. The soothing action and the quiet peace that filled the room lulled her to a space where she wasn’t quite awake, but sleep hadn’t yet arrived. 

Lily jolted awake, no longer sure what exactly in her dreams caused that reaction. She felt arms tighten around her. In her sleep-addled fog, everything came back to her like little puzzle pieces. She was in James’s bed. James was here. She must have fallen asleep while he was playing with her hair. Her mum always did that to calm her down, and Lily had never found anything more peaceful. 

Mum. 

“I think... maybe I’d like to talk about it, James.” She wasn’t even sure if he was awake. How long had she been out? His voice in the darkness came as a comfort. It must not have been too long, then. Or perhaps sleep was evading him like it was her earlier. 

“I’m all ears, Lily,” he breathed, clearly tired. “I told you I’m right here. That’s not gonna change.” Lily looked up at him. She could barely make out his features with the lights off and the curtains blocking out any light from outside. 

Still, even though they couldn’t see each other, she struggled to say her next words. “I’m gonna lose her.” 

Suddenly, it all clicked for James. Her terror over not losing him. Why she wouldn’t answer his question. Why her response was so clinical. Marie Evans was terminal. 

Lily found herself unable to say anymore, even as she felt James staring at her. This was a problem she had encountered many times in their friendship, this _want_ to hold back. A need to clam up. Lily thought perhaps it was self preservation. 

While friends with Severus, things were always on a precipice. If she said too much about his friends or the words he chose, she would risk losing her one and only connection to both parts of her life. He was the bridge between muggle and magical life for her, the only constant she’d had through everything. Eventually, she lost him anyway. How many times had Severus told her that slur was merely a word? And somehow she was overemotional for drawing the line there? Anytime she tried to talk to him about it, he would try belittling her for putting so much power in a stupid word. Funny, he used that exact word to hurt her in the end. Opening up is another way to lose someone. You spill too much and they leave because they can’t handle it, or they think you’re being overly emotional, or any number of things. How did she sum that up to James? How could she convey she was terrified to tell him how she felt about her mum’s news? What if he left her in the wake of how depressed-because that was the only word to describe it-she was? She couldn’t lose him too. She was already losing her mum, and she couldn’t lose her best friend too. 

This was becoming overwhelming. Emotions are dangerous, and they need to be held on a short leash. They lead to people leaving. She can’t lose anyone else. 

Something was touching her back, rubbing small motions into it, and she was ripped back to solid ground. Looking at James, Lily realized she didn’t feel like she was on the edge of a cliff. 

James was _different_. James wouldn’t leave. She could trust him. Summoning all her Gryffindor bravery, Lily plunged on.

“I don’t know what to do, James. I’m watching her wither away, and I know she’s not going to do the treatment. I’ve seen how the chemo beat her down. And when she goes,” she still couldn’t say it. The forbidden word. “When she goes, what will I do? I need my mum, James. I need her, and I don’t know what to do!” James was quiet for a few moments, seemingly thinking that over. 

How could he tell her that everything would be okay when it so clearly wasn’t? James wished he could take the pain away from her, make it so she never felt the ache that is grief. He wished magic could cure her mum. The only thing he could offer were words of comfort. 

“You don't have to have everything figured out. This isn’t something you could exactly plan to deal with, but you won't be alone while you’re going through it. It’s okay to not be okay for a while.” 

_It’s okay to not be okay._ The words repeated over and over in her head. It’s okay to not be okay. Lips quivering, Lily looked up at him. The drowning feeling from only moments before was ebbing away like water returning to the ocean. He was a life preserver, keeping her afloat amidst the tumultuous sea. “Thank you,” Lily whispered. She knew he would never understand how much she was trying to convey with the simple phrase. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for making me feel appreciated. Thank you for making me feel like my emotions are valid. Thank you for everything. 

“You never have to thank me for this kind of thing, Lils. It’s what I’m here for, yeah? I mean I wouldn’t have apparated to a second story window in the middle of the night for just anyone, you know?” Her eyes grew to saucers. 

“You came here to cheer me up?” Her voice wobbled as the floodgates opened once more. 

James laughed, his hand falling onto her cheek, brushing away her tears gently. “In not so many words, yes. You're important to me, and I wanted to make sure you're okay. Your wellbeing is extremely important to me, both physically and emotionally.” 

He was so warm, so gentle. Everything about him seemed...it seemed right. She found solace in his presence, a sense of home and belonging. With him, she felt like perhaps she had found something she hadn’t even known she was searching for. 

The thought made her feel lighter than she had all day. A small smile broke out across her face, and she snuggled closer to him. Somehow Lily’s hand had become intertwined with James’s. She rubbed her thumb across the back of his hand and lifted her head to meet his gaze.

Maybe if she wasn’t so dazed she would have felt the new charge that took over the room. James felt it. He could not ignore it. 

“Hey James, about us…”  
“Lily, we don't have to cover everything in one night. We have nothing but time on our side.” Right. He was here. He wasn’t leaving. James squeezed her hand and closed off the small distance between them, laying his forehead gently against hers. Were she more awake, her heart would be pounding. In the moment, she found a sweeping calm wash over her at the gesture. “When you feel like you’re in a place to talk about it. I’ll be right beside you to have that conversation.” Lily nodded the slightest bit, not wanting him to break away. He pulled back, and before she could protest, he gently pressed his lips where his forehead had just lay. Then, James tucked her head back under his chin, holding her close. She was drifting back to the place between awake and dreaming again. 

Lily let out a happy sigh of contentment, bordering between a laugh and a yawn. It was quite a welcome feeling, one she hadn't thought she'd experience in a long while. Lying with him, her head on his chest while he smiled down at her, she felt free of worry. Breathing in deeply, she was greeted with his warm fragrance again. "You smell like cinnamon," she mumbled before finally following her mother’s advice. Sleep. 

  
  



	2. Love, Your Favorite Toerag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night filled with questions, answers are found. Hope is too

Lily woke to the birds chirping and the first beams of sunlight peeking through the curtains of Petunia’s old room. Tired and groggy, she took a few moments to remember what had brought her here. Something warm was pressed up against her back. Wait, that something warm was also wrapped around her waist. With a start, Lily realized it was a  _ person _ wrapped around her. And not just any person; it was James Potter. 

She had to fight the grin spreading across her face. It disappeared in an instant, panic settling in her chest. 

If her father found out she’d slept next to James last night, she would be in so much trouble. Lily slipped out of his arms slowly, despite her best instincts, and sat up on the bed. She turned to give one last look at James. He looked so peaceful, so happy, lying there. 

Fondness filled her heart, pouring in like a tidal wave. Last night, he kissed her forehead. Now it was her turn. Her lips ghosted over his temple, barely a whisper. She quickly got up from the bed and headed as quietly as she could towards the door. She didn’t notice James stirring.

A smile stretched across his face when he realized what woke him up, his eyes opening in time to watch the door shut quietly behind her. 

Lily Evans just  _ kissed _ him! He drifted back off to sleep, unable to wipe the smile off his face. 

Lily would have lingered outside James’s room if it weren’t for the sound of a drawer closing. Light was leaking through the space at the bottom of her parents’ bedroom door. It would not be good if they caught her. James wouldn’t be able to stay over ever again, now would he? 

She sure wouldn’t mind a few more sleepovers. She’d also like a  _ bit _ more than a forehead kiss if she was being honest with herself. She shook her head to clear her thoughts. Now was not the time to daydream about snogging Potter senseless. 

Footsteps inched closer and closer to her parents’ bedroom door, which k/icked Lily into high gear. She bolted into her bedroom, taking extra care to shut the door as delicately as possible, before throwing herself underneath her covers. Her eyes closed just in time for her parents to crack open her door to check on her. 

Her mother sighed in what sounded like relief. 

“I was so worried she wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. Close the door, Thomas. Let her rest.” 

Lily heard the door shut with a click, and now it was her turn to breathe out in relief. They hadn’t caught her. There was no way Lily would be able to fall back asleep now. Instead, she lay there, revisiting the events of last night in her mind. 

_ “We have nothing but time on our side.”  _

_ “I’m right here. That’s not gonna change.” _

_ “I mean I wouldn’t have apparated to a second story window in the middle of the night for just anyone, you know.” _

Her cheeks grew red at the memories. Something had started between them last night, something that had been brewing under the surface for quite a long while.

She’d started noticing it in their last few weeks of school. 

First, he’d offered her a sugar quill almost every day at the end of Defense. Then, they’d begun taking walks around the grounds on Friday evenings. It was all in the name of friendship, but it always felt so special with him. Everything with James was different. 

After their walks, they had become inseparable. Now that they were together? Together adjacent?

To put it lightly, she was elated. Lily wanted to scream, and dance, and do all those cheesy things girls did in the movies. She understood how they felt. 

Unable to pretend to sleep any longer, she eagerly got out of bed-very uncharacteristic of her at this hour-and started looking through her dresser drawers. 

Lily tried not to think about the extra time she took choosing the perfect outfit to wear, all the additional steps she took with her make up-adding eye shadow and her pinkest lip gloss with her normal mascara-and finishing off her hair with a little bow. Throwing on her chosen outfit, Lily looked herself over in the mirror. 

Allowing herself a moment of vanity, she twirled in front of her mirror, nodding in approval at her reflection. Go get 'em. 

She bounded out her door and down the stairs, desperately trying to appear as if she weren't on the verge of breaking into song. She was failing miserably. Lily entered the kitchen with a smile she hadn’t thought she’d ever wear again after the doctor's appointment the day before. 

“Morning, Mum,” she placed a kiss on her mum’s head, “morning, Dad,” And another one on her dad’s cheek. “Need any help with breakfast?”

Her parents looked at each other in bewilderment. They were not expecting to see such a sunny mood from Lily before 10 am, but especially not after the events of last night. Thomas had been expecting his wife’s diagnosis. Marie had prepared for the worst. 

Lily had always remained optimistic. She’d never give up hope that her mother would come out of her battle with cancer on top. Yesterday had stripped that hope away from her, torn her world apart, and shoved it back into her hands saying, “Here, deal with it.” 

Something happened after James arrived. Maybe his presence offered her the support she needed? Maybe it was merely a reminder that she wouldn’t be alone. Based upon her mother’s expression, Lily suspected Marie had additional thoughts on the matter. 

She would always treasure her mother’s discretion. Even more, she would treasure her father’s obliviousness.

“Goodmorning, Buttercup,” Marie murmured, peaking over at her daughter from the corner of her eye as she sipped her morning tea. “If you wanted to make something, you could. Your father and I were just going to have toast.”

Lily knew, logically, that perhaps her mother wasn’t feeling well enough to have a big breakfast. However, looking over at her small frame and thinning hair, she had to try to get her to eat something more. She grabbed a cutting board from the cabinet and set to work. 

Her mother needed any nutrients she could get. 

Lily pulled out spinach, tomato, and onion, cutting them up into little pieces for the omelette. Something was missing...not enough protein.

Digging through the fridge, she beamed as she saw one of James’s favorites. Bacon! Perfect. That way she could make breakfast for her father, herself, and for James too. 

Starting up the stove, Lily began sizzling the bacon. As she dropped a third slice of bacon into the pan she heard someone coming down the stairs. There was only one person missing from the current gathering, and she could hear her heart thudding in her ears. She spun around to see him standing in the kitchen archway. 

“Morning,” she said, her face turning the bright pink of her lip gloss. James was still in her father’s pajamas, and his hair was sticking up in every direction. His face read groggy all over, but a sloppy grin stretched across his features as his hand slid up into his hair. 

“Morning, Lils.” He turned to her parents. “Morning Mr. and Mrs. Evans. Thank you so much for your hospitality. Your home is lovely.”

Mr. Evans glanced at Lily, quirking his eyebrow as he saw what was unfolding. “It was a pleasure to have you. Next time, I highly recommend the front door.” Mrs. Evans snorted into her tea. 

“Thomas!” Mrs. Evans stood up. Her movements were slow, and Lily could see how much her body ached with every step. Her heart ached, watching the pain her mother was in. It shouldn’t be like this. 

Mrs. Evans pulled him in for a hug. “I don’t know what you said, but that smile on my Lily’s face…” She whispered this so that neither Lily nor Thomas could hear. As she pulled away, she looked up into his eyes. “You’re welcome anytime, dear boy.” 

Mr. Evans glanced at his watch before popping out of his seat. “I’m gonna be late.” He kissed Lily’s cheek, nodded good naturedly to James, before taking Marie’s hand. Lily knew her parents always hugged and kissed goodbye at the front door. Her father’s job as a firefighter was dangerous, and now with her mother’s illness, it was hard for either of them to really leave each other without a hug and kiss goodbye. 

For all they knew it could be their last. 

Lily tried not to think about it, turning her focus back to the bacon that was going to burn if she didn’t flip it right away. Her parents disappeared through the kitchen archway, and then it was only her and James. 

The air around the room shifted. She felt butterflies flutter about her stomach. Although the room felt warmer, it also felt thick, heavy with all the events of the last twenty-four hours. Come to think of it, the air was muddled with everything that had happened between James and Lily for the past six years as well. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t quite catch her breath. 

Lily wondered if maybe James felt it too. She opened a cabinet to her left and grabbed a plate before quickly scooping the bacon out of the pan. She turned the stove top off before spinning around to try to get a read on James’s thoughts. 

Of course, the one time Lily wanted reassurance she couldn’t read his face. “Wanna help me cook, or are you gonna stand there staring all day?” James held his hands up by his shoulders in surrender. Lily rolled her eyes in response.

“I’d love to help, and was about to offer my services, but I wasn’t sure what you were attempting to do.” He sent her a wink. Her mouth dropped into an O as she realized what he said. 

“You know, if you’re going to be so critical of my cooking you can always take over?”

“Perfect! That was the plan.” James shot her a cheeky grin before heading towards her fridge. Lily eyed him curiously as he assessed the ingredients she prepared on the counter. 

James turned to go back into the fridge, saw a block of mozzarella cheese and pulled it out. He then grabbed the carton of eggs before nudging the fridge closed. Turning back towards Lily he headed toward the counter placing the new ingredients behind her. He felt heat rise to his cheeks as he realized the little distance that existed between them and took a large step back.

“Do you have a cheese grater?” Lily gave him a curious look before rummaging in one of the drawers. She pulled out the grater, and grabbed a bowl while she was at it. She turned around and handed both to James. He nodded his thanks before claiming a section of counter space, a few feet away from Lily, and getting to work on grating some mozzarella. Lily grabbed the pan she used to cook the bacon and brought it over to the sink to start cleaning up. As she was scrubbing, she kept glancing over at James. 

She started watching James’s movements like a hawk. He was refusing to look at her, it seemed. Or maybe he was just intent on his work. Grating cheese is a very important task, she supposed. 

Realizing she was staring, Lily averted her gaze and focused on the task at hand. “James, what are we?” She tried to keep her voice casual. 

_ BANG! _

When Lily turned back towards James, she saw he dropped the heavy metal grater, and it looked like it hit the bowl before hitting the counter; leaving a little pile of cheese in its wake. His hands were still in the air as if he was still working over the bowl. She looked back towards the pan, trying not to add to his obvious discomfort by staring again. 

Besides, Lily wanted to keep what nonchalance she could, and continuing to stare would negate that hope. 

“We can be whatever you want us to be Lil.” When she looked back over, he was grating cheese again, the little bits that had been spilt, back in the bowl.

“James, be serious.” He went still for a moment, processing what she just said. Lily didn’t think he was being serious when he said he wanted to be whatever she wanted them to be. Didn’t she know how he felt about her? 

Ideally, they would be so much more than friends, but if she didn’t want that step, that was okay with him. He was perfectly happy being whatever she wanted, and it was important to him that she knew that, although he wasn’t really sure how to express that. So, he set down the cheese and the grater. With a breath, he turned around and moved so he was standing in front of her. Lily turned, placing the clean pan on the drying rack, and leaned her back against the counter. 

“Sirius is my brother. So I’m afraid if you want him-” James cut off when he saw the look on Lily’s face. Anxiety shot through him, knowing he couldn’t hide behind his humor for this. He locked eyes with her and held them for a bit. “I am. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.” James barely got the words out before Lily leaned forward and closed the distance between them.

He was frozen. Was this really happening? Was Lily  _ actually  _ kissing him?  _ What _ was he doing?  _ Why _ was he not kissing her back? James's eyes snapped shut and his hands found their way to Lily’s cheek. He closed some of the distance between them and wound a hand into her hair.

Lily’s hands made a similar journey tugging at the hair found at the nape of his neck. This could not be real. Lily could not believe she just _ kissed _ him. Actually, she couldn’t believe he was kissing her back. Far sooner than either of them liked James pulled away, his eyes holding a million questions. 

“Wait Lily. I don’t want to get anything wrong here.” He looked to the stove, keeping his eyes averted while he said this. There was no way he could get out the words while looking at her. If she rejected him, he didn’t know how he would handle it. But it needed to be asked. 

“You’re not just kissing me for...for-” He struggled to find the words. Merlin, he hoped he didn’t hurt her as he said this. “For a pick me up, yeah? Please tell me this is real and I’m not imag-” 

Lily’s laugh cut off his train of thought. It sounded strange, almost as if she was forcing it. His eyes snapped back to hers at the sound. Lily didn’t know how James could think anything like that. If he only knew how she thought about him constantly. He would be the worst choice for a quick fling; there was no way she’d be able to just get over him. 

Even now, when her family was in crisis, she thought about him all the time. He was the one bright spot helping her through the endless darkness.

“James. You aren’t imagining anything. I am _ crazy  _ about you.” Lily watched the most beautiful smile she'd ever seen stretch across James's face, melting her heart in the process.

He scooped her up into his arms, hugging her to his chest for a few short moments. Just as Lily wrapped her arms around his neck, he took the opportunity to twirl her around. He spun her around two times before slowing and staring into her eyes. 

The next thing Lily knew, he was peppering her face in little kisses all over. Her head fell back in light-hearted laughter. She was giddy. For a moment all that she ever knew was James Potter, his warm arms, dozens of kisses, and his happy laugh as he enveloped her in love. Delicately, he sat her on the counter so he could shower her in more kisses but Lily pulled away, cupping his cheeks in her hands, breathless from laughing so hard. Even still, James turned his head to kiss her palm. 

Lily had never felt this way before, never so treasured.

“Now,” he said, his signature smirk back on his face he got his mojo back. Lily thought it was endearing. “You sit tight, I’m gonna make breakfast.” 

“But I-” James brushed a stray lock of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear and leaving his hand to rest where her neck met her jaw. 

“Don’t you trust me? Honestly, Lils, I’m a little offended. I’ve gone to the Euphemia Potter school for cooking for seventeen years. I can handle a few omelettes.” He winked to her before turning back around and working on breakfast. 

Lily sat there with her mouth agape, still hanging on the words she didn’t speak. 

His mum. Lily swallowed back the lump in her throat, coming down from the high of the moment previous. She didn't want to think about mothers right now, because that would remind her of her mother and how she was dying and…

No! Lily had to keep busy.Gathering her thoughts, Lily shook her head. “No, really, James,” she said, starting to push off the counter. “I can do it…” 

James rested his hands on her knees to stop her. “I know you can. But I want to cook for you. Can I please cook you breakfast?” 

Once she’d stopped fidgeting, his eyes locked on hers.

She didn’t know what he saw there but something must have clicked. He brought his hand to her cheek stroking it softly with his thumb, before closing the distance between them. Placing a featherlight kiss on her lips, he pulled back, and adoration poured out of him in waves. As Lily’s eyes flicked open, James’s heart stopped for a moment as he realized there were tears in them. 

“Hey,” he whispered, tilting his head to get a better look at her face. He didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like her could tell her it was okay, because it wasn’t. James held Lily close to his chest, rubbing soothing patterns up and down her spine. Her entire world was crumbling around her and here he was telling stories about his mother. “I’m sorry,” he said, holding her a little tighter. He felt her relax a bit in his arms.

Lily didn’t really blame James. His family is important to him, just like it was to her. Of course he would bring his mum up without thinking. 

James placed a kiss on top of her head before pulling slightly away and holding onto her upper arms. His eyes darted around her face like she was a puzzle he was trying to complete. He wiped away a few stray tears that were rolling down her cheeks, and sent her a reassuring smile.

“ _ Fine. _ If you  _ have _ to help, why don’t you start cutting the bacon while I scramble the eggs.” A quiet laugh bubbled out from her lips, taking Lily by surprise. There he went again, being her light. She shot him a grateful smile as she slipped off the counter. 

After grabbing a bowl and whisk for James, she handed them to him so he could get started. Then she took the knife she used on the veggies and got to work on her task. They completed them in a comfortable silence that made Lily feel a little lighter than before. 

She was lucky she had James in her life. He always knew just what she needed. 

Soon enough, they had finished up three omelettes. Lily sucked in a deep breath. 

“Now I’ve got to convince her to eat.” Her mother hadn’t been eating nearly enough. It wasn’t her fault, and Lily didn’t blame her. She knew it was the cancer chipping away at her appetite, but Lily worried every time she saw how little her mother ate in a day. 

James nodded to her in understanding. “I’ll set the table.” As Lily left and James set to work, he couldn’t help but to wish there was something more he could do for her. Once all the seats had an omelette in front of them, James searched the kitchen for anything more he could do. 

On the corner counter was a little jar with the word  _ ‘TEA’ _ across it. His face lit up and he went and put the kettle on for tea. Not wanting to make Lily or her mother have to lift a finger during breakfast, he searched through the fridge to find the Evans’s milk so he could set it on the counter. And he did find it. Along with some strawberries. 

How many meals had he watched Lily completely forgo the main course and fill up on strawberries. He grabbed them too.  Spotting some jam in the shelves lining the door, James immediately began to think of other ways to enhance their meal.

When Lily returned with her mother in tow-it didn’t take nearly as long as Lily seemed to think it would- James was just finished cutting up the strawberries and setting the bowl of them on the table. She stared at James with a little smile playing on her lips. He was too sweet. 

James jumped at the sound of the toaster popping, and Lily snorted, seeing that he already had the jam out. Her boyfriend had taken this breakfast and turned it into a smorgasbord. Lily beelined to help him out, but he turned around, holding out the plate of toast as if he had anticipated that exact moment. 

“Do you mind setting this on the table for me?” Lily nodded, too surprised to say anything. Mrs. Evans was watching this all unfold, her eyes sparkling as if she knew something Lily didn’t. She paused for a moment, watching James grab three mugs, before shaking her head and turning to set the toast on the table. By the time she turned back around, James added a tea bag to each mug and grabbed the whistling kettle, filling each mug in turn. 

He grabbed the sugar and went to scoop some before closing the container. He glanced over his shoulder for a moment, taking in Lily’s slumped shoulders before realizing that today was not a milk and sugar kind of day. 

James opened a few cabinets, searching around, finally finding what he wanted, honey, on the third try. He scooped a generous helping up with his spoon before mixing it into the first cup. 

Lily turned after placing the toast on the table and froze in her tracks. Thoughts of helping James flew from her head. The only thought Lily could make out amongst the fog that had taken residence in her head was, _huh James drinks his tea the same as me._

She moved to go help him, her original plan before she got sidetracked, when James turned around, the first mug in hand. 

“Here you go Lils. Go enjoy breakfast.”  _ Oh. He knows how I take  _ my _ tea. _

He handed the mug to her before turning to Mrs. Evans with a wide smile. “How would you like your tea?”

“Oh dear, you are too kind. Same as Lily, thank you.” He prepared the tea as requested. Putting the pieces together on why Lily prefers her tea this way on gloomy days. 

Mrs. Evans shot James a smile as he placed her tea on the table in front of her. He placed the kettle back on the stove and grabbed his mug and placed it on the table. He turned and put the top back on the milk and put it back in their fridge; before joining the Evans’s at the table. 

Lily couldn’t stop herself from staring at him with big doe eyes, feeling as though her heart had turned to mush. Here James was doting on her and her mother, knowing exactly how to make her tea, and after all the help with breakfast- which more closely resembled a feast now- and last night. 

“You’re incredible,” she blurted out. Her ears burned red.

Marie snorted into her tea. James on the other hand, lit up like a Christmas tree. 

“You’re pretty spectacular yourself,” he said, throwing her a wink. Feeling her cheeks grow hotter, she opened her mouth to respond but found herself coming up empty. Instead of sitting there with her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish, she settled for ducking her head and pushing around her omelette. 

Marie nudged her playfully. “Hey, love, if I have to eat, so do you.” Lily scrunched up her nose. Did they enjoy picking on her? She had a sneaking suspicion that if James came around more they would definitely team up on her. As long as James was around, she wasn’t sure she would mind too much. 

Her mother must have taken some pity on her, for she turned her attention to James. “Lily tells me you play sports?” 

James’s grin grew. Lily talked about him to her parents! “Yes, Mrs. Evans. I’m a chaser for Gryffindor which is kind of like a forward in football. Basically, chasers are in charge of making goals and moving the ball across the field. Only difference is we have three different types of balls in Quidditch as opposed to the one in football. Chasers only deal with one type though, which is the quaffle. The other types fly around on their own so it's not really applicable to football.” 

He was ranting, running his hands through his hair one moment and then stirring around his tea the other. He hadn’t put anything in his tea! Was James nervous? The James Potter was nervous around  _ her mum? _ She suppressed the urge to snort into her tea, but instead she offered him support by nudging his foot with hers under the table. 

He jolted up a little, his eyes meeting hers. Lily giggled, unable to hold it back. “Hi,” she said. “Question. How did you know such much about football?” James felt heat rise to his face. 

“Well, I started originally because it was the only sport I heard of in the muggle world. So I thought it would be useful talking to muggles-Peter’s a half blood and so is Remus-but then I realized it could be really helpful with Quidditch plays! So since I’ve been captain I have been researching different plays that are used in football and adjusting them to work for the team. A lot of the wins we got are with them, wizards don’t expect muggle tactics in a magical game.” He ducked his head realizing he was rambling again. Going back to stirring his nearly empty mug of tea. 

Lily had a passing thought that perhaps if her mother weren’t there, she would have snogged him right then and there. 

“You...you use muggle methods for Quidditch?” she asked, working very hard to keep her voice steady. 

“Yes,” James said it so quietly Lily wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it. 

Lily cleared her throat, taking a moment to take that in and play off the hungry look she knew she had as a craving for her omelette. 

Marie shook her head fondly. “Lily loves mixing muggle and magical theory for all sorts of things. She was telling me how potions and medicine are similar, and how she thinks combinations of the two types of treatments should be looked into for healers. She also said that divination and fortune telling is basically the same thing, but perhaps muggles have more difficulty with it without magic. Lily has a lot of ideas about mixing muggle and magical concepts.” She paused, looking to her daughter. “Seems you two think alike, huh?”

Lily’s head snapped to her mother, eyes shining in disbelief. 

_ Is mum flirting for me?  _ Lily thought it was bad enough when they were teasing her but _ this _ ?  _ We’re going here? Mum might as well lock us in a cupboard together.  _ Though that is a great idea. _ Stop it Lily, you are at breakfast with your  _ mother.  _ Your  _ sick  _ mother. Do not think about what you’d like to be doing to James in a cupboard somewhere.  _

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to clear those thoughts from her head. She glanced over to James, and he looked like that cat who ate the canary. _ He is so infuriating. Of course he would be reveling in this. _

Lily realized that she had not been paying attention to the conversation and now both James and her mum were staring at her expectantly. 

“Hmmm?” She blinked up at them innocently, as if she hadn’t been off in a wonderful, heated, lust filled dreamworld. Mrs. Evans was looking at her with amusement on her face. 

“I asked what your plans for the day are, Lily.” Oh. 

She turned to James, not sure how long he planned on staying. Truthfully, she kind of hoped to spend the whole day with him but realistically James probably had things to do today. Her disappointment must have shown on her face, because James nudged her foot under the table. Lily smiled despite herself. 

“You have to go soon, don’t you?” James nodded regrettably. 

“Mum might lose her head if her only son doesn’t return back from his mystery trip in the middle of the night.” He glanced at Marie sheepishly. “I promise next time to warn her before I come over, Mrs. Evans.” 

So that’s what they’d been talking about. Wait. James didn’t tell his mother he was coming? Her eyes widened. 

“You really need to get home soon. I don’t want you grounded so I can’t visit you.” Did she say that last part out loud? 

"That makes two of us. Wouldn't want to disappoint so early in the relationship. Let me go and change.” James hopped out of his seat, dropping down for a moment as he passed Lily to kiss the top of her head-Lily had turned crimson at the gesture-before running up the stairs the way he came. 

Now only Lily and her mother sat at the table. Lily sucked in a deep breath, thinking back on their conversations from earlier. 

“Mum was the comment about how similar we are really necessary?” Marie merely shrugged her shoulders, sipping at her tea as she looked her daughter over the mug. 

“We were all thinking it.” That was her excuse. Lily laughed, throwing her head back because she was right. Although it hadn’t been at the very forefront of her mind, she had been thinking about how much that technique was like her very own with most aspects of magical study. 

Her mother knew her from the inside out. Not a day went by without Lily thinking about her. At school, when she was homesick, she would make her tea the same way her mother did. During classes, she used the stationary her mother had purchased her. On Hogsmeade weekends, Lily would wear the dresses her mother made for her. Her heart stung. 

Which dress would be the last one she’d make? Lily had always dreamed that her mother would someday make her wedding dress. Now that dream was gone. 

In its place, an empty, cold shell. 

“I’m scared to lose you,” she whispered, all laughter drained from her face, her voice quivering with the tears Lily refused to shed. 

Marie went still, setting down her tea and wrapping Lily in her arms in one swift movement. In that moment, Lily felt so small. “No...no, sweet girl. You will never lose me. Never, do you hear me, Lily Marie?” She cupped her daughter’s face in her hands, her own tears slipping down her cheeks. 

Lily’s lips quivered at the sight. 

“But Mum-” 

“I will always be with you. Always. In everything you do. You’re my mini-me, remember?” Lily choked out a strangled laugh at that. She remembered. 

She remembered playing on the swing set and running around the playground with way too much energy to spare and her grandparents remarking on how much like her mother she was. She remembered as she got older, although her eyes and hair were that of her father’s, her facial features were carbon copies of her mother’s. Everyone told her so. She’d seen it looking through her mother’s old photo albums. 

She remembered getting accepted to Hogwarts, and her mother telling her stories of how her mother went to a boarding school. Lily remembered countless little details of how her and her mother were alike. Her father had started the mini-me thing, but it had caught on quickly. Petunia hated it. 

“You even have my name in yours, Lily Marie.” This time her laugh was a little less strained. “And besides that, I’ll always be with you. As long as you love me, I will always be with you.” 

The tears welling up in Lily’s eyes finally spilled over and it was like a dam broke. She threw her arms back around her mother, holding her tight, as if she would fly away otherwise. 

“Mummy, I will _ always _ love you.” Marie rocked her daughter, just like she did when Lily was young. 

“Then I’ll always be with you,” she said, her voice like a warm blanket, wrapping her up and soothing her. Lily thought she heard the creaky stair creak from above, but when she looked, James wasn’t back yet. 

Marie smiled at her daughter, seeming to always know where her thoughts traveled to. Mini-me was pretty spot on. “It was nice seeing you so carefree for a little bit.”

Lily was quiet, letting her eyes wander back to the stairs. “Mum, I think maybe he could be the one. I...I dunno entirely. But this...whatever we have here.” She breathed in, setting her focus back on her mother. “It feels different with him. It feels special.” 

“I can tell,” Marie said, brushing her daughter’s hair back from her forehead. “You two are like your father and I. You just fit. I saw you two in the kitchen. You read each other well, and it's like you’re two halves of the same whole. Always knowing what the other needs.” She had a knowing look on her face. “You were miserable yesterday, you were alone with him for 10 minutes and I heard you laugh! Who else would be able to do that?” 

Lily felt warmth flood her cheeks again. It’s one thing for  _ herself to _ say it. She’s young, she doesn’t know these things. The fact that her mother  _ agreed _ with her; it almost made her nervous about starting things with James, rather than the excitement she was feeling earlier.

Her mum’s opinion made those thoughts-daydreams-more real. Lily didn't realize the weight the sentiment held until someone else put stock in it. It sparked anxiety that she could mess this up, and it would have a greater toll than any other relationship she had in the past. 

As if summoned by that train of thought, she heard footsteps coming down the stairs, and this time she was sure she heard the step creak. 

She looked up, locking eyes with James as he entered the kitchen. 

“Thank you so much again for letting me stay Mrs. Evans. Here’s the pajamas Mr. Evans let me borrow.” He handed over a folded pair of pajamas with a small smile. Marie smiled warmly back before pulling James into another hug, pajamas in hand.

“It was nice having you. Will I be seeing you again soon?” She looked at Lily even though the question was directed at James. Her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest, nearly a mile a minute. When did her heart start running a race?

“You can come back if you’d like,” Lily said, suddenly very interested in the napkin she’d been twisting in her lap as rosy cheeks set aflame once again. 

“Are you inviting the floor back? Or me?” Laughter filled his voice, but within that, she could hear the tenderness. She felt her heartbeat start to slow. Lily rose slowly, her eyes meeting his mirth-filled gaze. A wide grin far too similar to his stretched across her face. 

What did she have to be nervous about?

“Shut up.” There was no heat behind her words. “You  _ know _ I was asking you.” James’s smile grew, though it didn’t seem like a possibility moments before.

“I know. I may even follow your dad’s advice and use the front door.” 

“I’ll leave you two be. I’m getting a bit tired,” her mother said, standing up feebly. Lily swallowed back the lump in her throat at her mother’s words. She was getting tired. At ten in the morning. 

Marie left the room, and Lily eyed her with worry as she watched her disappear down the hall.

James grabbed Lily’s hand and her eyes snapped back to his face. A lopsided grin overtook his face and squeezed her hand gently. 

“I really should be heading home. I’m genuinely surprised mum hasn’t sent a howler.” That brought a small smile to Lily’s face. 

She really wished he didn’t have to go. She’d be content to spend all day with him. James made her feel lighter. He made Lily feel like just maybe everything would be okay.   
“I guess you’re right.” Neither made an attempt to move. They kept staring into each other's eyes as if they would find the answer to the universe hidden in them. After another moment, Lily started to close the distance between them. Getting up on her tiptoes, her hand resting on his chest, her eyes slid closed as she gently pressed her lips to his. James immediately responded, his hands finding her waist. Lily changed angles slightly to deepen the kiss with one hand sliding into his hair. 

She still couldn’t believe that she could do this whenever she wanted. She couldn’t believe he  _ liked _ her. Lily couldn’t believe something so good could have blossomed out of such a sad time in her life. Her mother even approved, and seemed to think James could be the one. Lil y could have just begun dating the man she would one day marry. She breathed in a sharp breath at the thought. 

James definitely used that to his advantage. He held her tighter against his chest. Breaking apart shortly after. They smiled goofily at each other. Trying to keep the nerves that burst forth with thoughts of the future at bay, she focused on keeping her thoughts rooted in the present. What had James said last night? _ They had all the time in the world. _

James's mind was blank, still in a daze from their kiss, except for one thought: _Sirius is never going to believe what happened. He is_ Lily Evans’s _boyfriend._ He couldn’t believe that this was real. He felt like he could fly away on the happiness he felt just knowing Lily felt similarly about him as he did her. It made leaving very hard, but he knew he had to. James pulled Lily into one last hug. 

“All right, Evans, I really have to go now. You’re still coming Thursday right?”

Lily was quiet for a moment, reflective. “Can I come earlier?” James raked a hand through his hair, ruffling it as he looked down at her. 

“Lils, you are always welcome, you should know that.” She held his gaze for what was likely a minute too long, before tossing her arms around his neck in a tight embrace. 

“See you tomorrow, James.”

“See you tomorrow, Lils.” 

* * *

“James?”  He was walking out the front door, when a voice caught his attention. Panic shot through him momentarily, not expecting to run into anyone on his way out. He looked around before his gaze landed on Mrs. Evans .  Looking down quickly to try and compose himself- Why does Lily's mum want to talk to me? - James breathed in before plastering on a calming smile in the hopes to mask the nerves that came with that sentiment.  He turned back to Mrs. Evans. face-on and the laugh she let loose let him know his facade failed.

“I know she snuck into your room last night. I don’t care. Anything to keep my Lily smiling.” She was quiet, looking down at her lap for a moment. “I wasn't confident I would see my baby girl smile again until you landed on our front lawn. I'm not so worried anymore.” James didn’t have the will to correct her about the lawn. 

Marie Evans patted the spot on the porch swing for him to join her. James did.

“I don’t have much longer.” She finally met James’s eyes. “But my girl still needs me. She needs me, and she’s aching because we both know I don't have much time left.” 

Marie blinked a few times to prevent tears from sliding down her cheeks and plunged on. “You give her hope. You make her so happy. I need you to promise me something, okay?”

James didn’t know what to say, so he only nodded and swallowed back the lump in his throat. “I need you to watch after her for me, okay? You’re going to be there for her and help her when I no longer can. Because she needs you. More than either of you know, I think. Can you promise me that?” 

James stared at Marie Evans, taking in her big almond shaped eyes and her nose that so resembled Lily’s. “I promise, Mrs. Evans. I won’t let anything happen to Lily.” 

Marie smiled warmly, pulling him into a tight hug. “Thank you. For giving me a reason to stop worrying about her so much. I know now that she’s in good hands. It means a lot to me knowing my baby girl has someone in her corner who will be there for her through all of this and when I’m gone.”

* * *

Upstairs, oblivious to the conversation happening just below her bedroom window, Lily was tearing open a letter she’d found slipped under the bottom of the door. It was addressed _to my Lizzie Bennett._

_ Dear Lils,  _

_ I cannot believe I didn’t answer your letter! How rude of me. That really doesn’t look good from a boyfriend. I promise I will not do that again. I’m gonna make this quick since I’m meant to be changing and heading home, but I just want you to know that you mean the world to me, Lily Evans. If you ever need anything, know I am always here.  _

_ It’s going to be hard facing the future with all it entails, but you are never alone. All those low periods, you will always have your dad, and Petunia, though she may not be your top choice in companion through it. If those both fail, you always have me, too.  _

_ Looking forward to seeing you Thursday! Prepare to deal with Sirius and my mother’s antics since that will most likely still be going on when you come. Mum is going to absolutely dote on you now that we’re official. Just be prepared. _

_ Love,  _

_ Your  _ _ Favorite _ _ Toerag _

Lily couldn’t help the smile that lit up across her face. Maybe she had met her Mr. Darcy afterall. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow us on Tumblr @melandkatdothings!

**Author's Note:**

> Follow us on Tumblr @midnightelite and @solstilla


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